Happenings 22 October 2020

Some sobering thoughts:

• More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
• Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardised tests.
• In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
• Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread.
• The effects are obviously cumulative:
  • 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
  • 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
  • 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
  • 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.

• Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
• Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average Kiwi eats more bread than that in one month!
• Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
• Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jam, peanut butter, and even salami.
• Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
• New-born babies can choke on bread.
• Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 230 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: No sale of bread to minors. A nation-wide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. A 300 percent tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools. STOP THE EVILS OF BREAD, TODAY!

Ok ... that was all a bit of fun! But if not everything we call evil actually is, is there actually evil? Come along and find out!

In Him,
Murray